This year I've made a few small changes:
Our pavement will not be lined with homemade, paper
bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that
no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch
sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the hall is not decorated with the swags of greenery and holly I had planned to make. Instead, I've got the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful dead leaves from the front garden. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive
linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Christmas, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last year.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every nice comment I have made regarding Christmas and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made by me at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.
In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person
carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For sanity safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private", meaning:
Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to
laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children
to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners (and any males present) that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
Oh, and one reminder for the adults:
For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance.
Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious
homemade desserts, we will be serving the traditional
Christmas pudding, garnished with brandy cream, small
fingerprints, and tongue marks. You will still have a
choice; you may take it or leave it.
