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Quotes By David Letterman
Ellen DeGeneres was the first stand-up comedian Johnny Carson ever asked to sit on "The Tonight Show" guest couch during a first appearance.
"The Bush administration says they want to declare all golf course water hazards as protected wetlands. It's part of their plan to save restricted country clubs."
"Here's something new in law enforcement. In L.A. they are using unmanned drones flying over the city to fight crime. So far the drones are a success. Only two have been shot
down by motorists."
"How about that story, you know the NASA astronaut? When they caught her, she was wearing a wig and an adult diaper. There was a lot of confusion, because originally, authorities thought she was Elton John."
"Do you folks have Oscar fever? The Al Gore documentary, 'An Inconvenient Truth,' is nominated for two Academy Awards. One Academy Award is for best song. ... I think they deserve an award just for finding something that rhymes with ethanol."
"Congratulations to the city of Indianapolis. The Colts beat the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. After the game, a confused President Bush phoned the locker room and asked to speak to Janet Jackson. Actually you have to hand it to the Colts . . . I believe that was the Bears’ strategy."
"Once again here in New York City it’s the beginning of Fashion Week. It’s that exciting time of year when we get a preview of the underpants that Britney Spears won’t be wearing."
There were so many witnesses at the Anna Nicole Smith hearing, Jerry Springer couldn't find guests for his show. -- David Letterman
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