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Quotes Of Andy Rooney
Vegetarian -
that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter'"
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says Into Phone)
"I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
~Katharine Hepburn
What was Satchel Paige's legacy?
Born Leroy Robert Paige, Satchel Paige was a legend in the Negro Leagues for 29 years. Many of his records in the Negro League were never recorded. On his 42nd birthday in 1948, he was sold by the Kansas City Monarchs to the Cleveland Indians. Its owner Bill Veeck signed the old pitcher to a major league contract. Two days later, Paige became the oldest rookie ever in the major leagues of baseball when he made his first appearance late in a game. That night, he also became the first black to ever pitch in the American League, and the fifth overall to play in the major leagues. As the majors' oldest rookie ever, Paige had a 6-1 record, mostly in relief, as Cleveland won the 1948 pennant. He also pitched for the St. Louis Browns, and pitched three innings for the Kansas City Athletics in 1965 at the age of 59.
